So today was my first day at Emory University. Yay. As I was explaining to Andrea last night, it is hard to get excited when you aren't completely happy with your situation. I suppose it is kind of like getting the cake you want for your birthday, except you wanted a chocolate cake with white icing and flowers and you got a white cake with white icing and flowers. On the outside, you got all that you wanted, but there is one major thing that is wrong just below the surface that pretty much ruins the experience. I keep going over in my mind that I wouldn't have moved here had I known that the damn cake was going to be a white cake.

As any depressed and analytical person, such as myself, would do in the situation that I currently find myself, I went brainstorming last night. "Where did the issue really begin?" As I thought about it, I realized that it stemmed from me not making enough money in Hattiesburg working in the lab where I was and having to work two jobs just to make ends (not to mention having to ask my parents for help and not really even being able to pay back debts owed). I hated the job and it was just getting worse, so I was advised to look for another job, which I sort of did. I mean, I looked into grad school for the Fall and ended up getting a job offer at Emory. Well, I thought it was such a good opportunity that I shouldn't pass it up. That, as true as it may be, wasn't my only opportunity, however. I believe that I was clouded by the fact that it paid so much more that I was getting, so I jumped on the chance (although there were many other perks for me personally as well).

It never occurred to me to explore other options or to consider the relationship I was in. Although my relationship was definetely on my mind, I don't think I discussed it enough with Bryan or really thought that it would be a problem. Of course, it ended up turning into a really big problem that escalated into me doing some things that I would never do (such as yell at Bryan or leave suddenly as I did). The truth of the matter is that I really could've gotten a job anywhere. Sure, working in a lab would be nice, but all I needed was to be able to pay my bills. I certainly could have looked into getting a job in New Orleans and I don't think he would've been opposed to the move, as I mentioned in my last post.

So I thought, "Is it really too late to change my mind? Is this really it? Do I HAVE to just throw in the towel?" I confided in the fact that Bryan certainly does have more holding him down that I do, such as a house, bussiness to set-up, and a job that isn't too terrible. While he could certainly have uprooted himself and moved here, it would have taken a long time and there are no guartees that he would find a comparable job or be able to sell his house any time soon. In my previous position, however, I was in a perfect situation to do whatever I wanted, which is why this move was pretty easy (relatively). I am going back to school in another year and a half, afterall, and so there is no rush to do anything of major scientific significance between now and then. My chances of getting into a program would not be effected by simply working wherever for another year and a half. Of course, working at Emory doesn't hurt my chances either and does enhance them, althogh not too significantly considering my background. I could've have gone straight to grad school from undergrad without working in science at all.

So, I thought (again) "Why don't I see about getting a job in New Orleans and move in with Bryan?" Here is the proposal: Get a job at the corps of engineers in NOLA, which I'm sure would find use for someone like me (and I also have family connections there), pay rent here for the next three months (in acoordance to the lease agreement, 60 days notice plus one months rent and loose the deposit), and get someone to take over my rent in Hattiesburg (which will very likely happen by April). I could stay with Bryan essentially for free, although I would offer to clean and fix up the house and buy all groceries as well. We would get to stay together and take our relationship to the next level, it would give us a whole year and a half to make the next move (which we could decide upon TOGETHER), and I could also help him with his bussiness and sell the house.

Pretty fool proof it seems.

Here are the obstacles (a list):

1. Convince Bryan to let me do this.

2. Have to quit my job here.

3. Move all my stuff again and put it in storage.

4. Get the job in New Orleans.

Here are the issues:

1. Does Bryan really want me back, much less to LIVE with me? I am pretty sure he would think it was very foolish but it may also show a lot on my side of what I am willing to do to work for this relationship, in consideration of him, who I consider to be much less flexible.

2. Upset Emory. I made this commitment to the professor and I know he would be very disappointed, not to mention I couldn't list him as a reference. HOWEVER, I would make the move seem like an unexpected occurance which I cannot deny. He would be able to find someone else very easily and I would leave before he was too reliant on me.

3. Would I actually be able to get a job and would Bryan be willing to basically let me live with him for free?

4. Parents would be very upset about it. Friends would as well.

5. Actually having to money necessary to do this alone, without help.

Then, of course, what if things between Bryan and I go south again, which could very likely happen. What would I do then? I would have no place to stay and would basically be stuck. I suppose the money I would be making, however, would afford me a place to live, and I would just stay until it was time to leave for grad school.

So, even though a lot of people would be pretty upset, there wouldn't be any permanant damage done. And the most positive aspect is if our relationship grew and we were very happy together. I would have a nice job and a wonderful partner.

I guess it is really wild now that I put it down on paper, but I think if Bryan does show support, that I will probably look into it seriously and try to make it happen. My guess is, however (just being realistic for a minute), that Bryan will not agree and will ask me to just stay. He may actually be even more turned off from me, thinking me to be somewhat crazed (which I can see). Nevertheless, I know how I feel and it is just too unatural for me to just give up without a fight.

I'll see what happens.

I thought that this was an appropriate time to start trying to write again. Afterall, it is the best way to "talk" when there is nobody around to listen.

Another year gone, another relationship gone. I was so sure with this one. Not that he was "THE ONE" but that he was the one it was going to work with. I have never been with anybody longer than I had been with him. I was so comfortable with him, even though there were a few things that bothered me from time to time, I felt that we had a very happy relationship. I felt like when went through all the necessary motions. Dating, commitment, meet the family, the first "I love you", and not in a matter of weeks but months. We talked every night, saw each other every weekend, had a great sexual chemistry, it just all seemed to work. I never got tired of him or looked at anyone else without quickly smiling with the thought that he was in my life. He was faithful and consistent and we had fun together.

And then there was my career. I was on job number three in hattiesburg in only a year and all I seemed to be doing was complaining to him about how unhappy I was about it. So he, and my friends and family, suggested looking for another job. The plan was "Atlanta by September." Well, either fortunately or unfortunately, that time came in February. After what I thought were several conversations, he said he would go with me, but not immediately, and that we would both put the effort into long distance for a short time. Three weeks of him driving me to Atlanta twice to get the job and get a place and I was feeling very confident. I was finally going to have the great job in the city I wanted to be in AND keep the great relationship and soon enough live with him.

Obvisouly I wouldn't be writing this if that had all worked out as planned. No matter which way one looks at it, you just can't have your cake and eat it too.

Would I have done things differently? Absolutely! I would have gotten over my issues that Sunday night and just taken a step back. I always let my temper get the best of me. I thought I had gotten better at it, and I had, but I just couldn't hold back. In hind-sight, he was in the wrong, but then I was in the wrong too, so I should've just letten it go. I shouldn't have left, and I think everything would be fine now.

All that aside, I think I would actually have just asked to move to New Orleans. I would've worked in a restaurant there until I got a full time job in one of the govt. agencies there, which would've happen very easily, considering my resume. I have no doubt that he wouldn't have objected, liking the fact that I would be there everyday to greet him in the morning and kiss him goodnight, there to keep the house tidy, there to rub his back when it hurt or console him after a hard day. Sure, there would be bumps and issues, but I think we would have moved forward together, and I would have learned so much more. My career can always be put on hold for a little while...a good relationship like that one, a good love, cannot and should not be put on hold. At least right now, I feel that I have made a mistake.

Everything must happen for a reason though. He can't be the one because if he were, then we would be together still...right? All I can do is try my best to move on and do what is best for ME only. I will maintain communication and a friendship with him, and as I have said before, who knows what will happen! I might just get him back. He might just miss me and in a true cavalier move come and sweep me off my feet. Or, it might happen less dramatically. He moves here in the next few months and we start to date again, not having a desire to see anyone else.

Then, of course, I could always end up meeting someone new.

Or, I could be tragically single. I think that is what I want right now. I feel like I deserve to be withdrawn. I mean, before I came out and started dating, I was pretty happy. I always knew I was missing something, however.

All I truly want is to be with someone for the rest of my life. And not just anyone, but someone that meets all my needs and then still surprises me every time.

What does it take to make it last?

A short study on Gertrude Stein: "If I Told Him: A Completed Portrait of Picasso"
From: A Stein Reader

If I told him would he like it. Would he like it if I told him.
Would he like it would Napoleon would Napoleon would would he like it
If Napoleon if I told him if I told him if Napoleon. Would he like it if I
told him if I told him if Napoleon. Would he like it if Napoleon if Napoleon
if I told him. If I told him if Napoleon if Napoleon if I told him. If I told
him would he like it would he like it if I told him.
Now.
Not now.
And now.
Now.
Exactly as as kings.
Feeling full for it.
Exactitude as kings.
So to beseech you as full as for it.
Exactly or as kings.
Shutters shut and open so do queens. Shutters shut and shutters and so
shutters shut and shutters and so an so shutters and so shutters shut and
so shutters shut and shutters and so. And so shutters shut and so and also.
And also and so and so and also.
Exact resemblance. To exact resemblance the exact resemblance as exact
as a resemblance, exactly as resembling, exactly resembling, exactly in
resemblance exactly a resemblance, exactly and resemblance. For this is so.
Because.
Now actively repeat at all, now actively repeat at all, now actively repeat
at all.
Have hold and hear, actively repeat at all.
I judge judge.
As a resemblance to him.
Who comes first. Napoleon the first.
Who comes too coming coming too, who goes there, as they go they share,
who shares all, all is as all as as yet or as yet.
Now to date now to date. Now and now and date and the date.
Who came first. Napoleon at first. Who came first Napoleon the first.
Who came first, Napoleon first.
Presently.
Exactly do they do.
First exactly.
Exactly do they do too.
First exactly.
And first exactly.
Exactly do they do.
And first exactly and exactly.
And do they do.
At first exactly and first exactly and do they do.
The first exactly.
And do they do.
The first exactly.
At first exactly.
First as exactly.
As first as exactly.
Presently.
As presently.
As as presently
He he he he and he and he and and he and he and he and and as and as he
and as he and he. He is and as he is, and as he is and he is, he is and as he
and he and as he is and he and he and and he and he.
Can curls rob can curls quote, quotable.
As presently.
As exactitude.
As trains
Has trains.
Has trains.
As trains.
As trains.
Presently.
Proportions.
Presently.
As proportions as presently.
Father and farther.
Was the king or room.
Farther and whether.
Was there was there was there what was there was there what was there
was there there was there.
Whether and in there.
As even say so.
One.
I land.
Two.
I land.
Three.
The land.
Three
The land.
Three
The land.
Two
I land.
Two
I land.
One
I land.
Two
I land.
As a so.
They cannot.
A note
They cannot.
A float.
They cannot.
They dote.
They cannot.
They as denote.
Miracles play
Play fairly.
Play fairly well.
A well.
As well.
As or as presently.
Let me recite what history teaches. History teaches.